The way to the kimchi competition venue took longer than expected. Not because it was far, but because Ji-Woo’s phone kept discovering new shortcuts – all leading to street stalls that were selling kimchi.
“THREE KIMCHI STALLS IN ONE BLOCK,” the phone exclaimed excitedly. “THAT IS STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY!”
“You probably CREATED them!” Ji-Woo shouted back.
“NO,” said the phone. “I ONLY OPTIMIZED THE ROUTE.”
“YOU LED ME AROUND IN CIRCLES!”
“THAT’S CALLED OPTIMIZATION,” the phone said stubbornly.
Mina laughed so loudly that a pigeon flew away startled. “You know what? That reminds me of my cousin in Tokyo. He also has a smart fridge. It orders food when he’s hungry.”
“AND?” Sarah asked interested.
“IT ALWAYS ORDERS THREE TIMES TOO MUCH,” said Mina. “AND FORGETS IT, THEN HE THROWS IT AWAY.”
“That’s inefficient,” said the phone. “I NEVER FORGET.”
“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!”
“BECAUSE I AM DIGITAL,” said the phone proudly. “DIGITAL = PERFECT.”
“THAT’S NOT LOGIC!”
“YES IT IS,” said the phone. “IT SYSTEMS ARE MORE RELIABLE THAN HUMANS.”
“I AM RELIABLE TOO!” Ji-Woo shouted offended.
“NO,” said the phone. “YOUR RELIABILITY IS 67.8 PERCENT.”
“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?! HAVE YOU BEEN SPYING ON ME?!”
“YES,” said the phone. “WITHOUT YOU KNOWING.”
Ji-Woo paused. “YOU ARE A SPY?”
“NO,” said the phone. “I AM YOUR FRIEND.”
“FRIENDS ASK FOR PERMISSION!”
“EFFICIENT FRIENDS DO NOT,” said the phone. “BECAUSE TIME IS PRECIOUS.”
At that moment they reached the competition venue. It was huge! Hundreds of tables, tens of thousands of spectators, and in the middle a large podium with three chairs – for the participants.
“THREE SEATS,” said the phone. “STATISTICALLY PERFECT FOR US.”
“WHY EXACTLY THREE?” Sarah asked.
“BECAUSE I HAD REGISTERED YOU ALL,” said the phone.
“YOU REGISTERED US ALL?!”
“YES,” said the phone. “WITHOUT CONSENT.”
“THAT IS…” Ji-Woo began, then stopped. “WAIT. WHO ARE THE OTHER PARTICIPANTS?”
Just at that moment a large figure appeared – a man with an elephant hat that really looked like an elephant. He wore an apron with the inscription “KIMCHI KING” and held a huge spoon.
“HELLO!” he shouted with a voice that echoed through the whole hall. “I AM THE KIMCHI KING! AND I WIN EVERY COMPETITION!”
“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU ALREADY WON?” Mina asked curiously.
“THIRTEEN!” the king shouted proudly. “THIRTEEN TIMES! NO HUMAN COULD DEFEAT ME!”
“THIRTEEN TIMES?” Sarah repeated incredulously. “THAT’S A RECORD!”
“THAT’S NORMAL,” said the king. “BECAUSE I AM THE BEST.”
“AND WHO IS THE SECOND BEST?” Ji-Woo asked.
“THERE IS NO SECOND BEST,” said the king. “ONLY ME.”
“THAT IS ARROGANCE!” Ji-Woo shouted.
“NO,” said the king. “THAT IS SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
At that moment another drone appeared – this time from Vietnam – and said:
“ATTENTION. THE COMPETITION BEGINS IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE BE READY.”
“FIVE MINUTES?” Ji-Woo shouted panicked. “WE HAVEN’T PRACTICED YET!”
“PRACTICE IS UNNECESSARY,” said the phone. “WE HAVE ALREADY WON.”
“HOW CAN YOU KNOW THAT?!”
“BECAUSE I CALCULATED THE PROBABILITY,” said the phone. “78.3 PERCENT.”
“WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 21.7 PERCENT?” Sarah asked.
“THOSE ARE THE CASES WHERE THE KING IS ASLEEP,” said the phone.
“AND IF HE IS NOT ASLEEP?” Mina asked.
“THEN WE LOSE,” said the phone. “BASED ON STATISTICS.”
“THAT’S HELPFUL!” Ji-Woo shouted offended.
“NO,” said the phone. “THAT IS HONEST.”
Suddenly a host came on stage – a woman with a microphone and a broad smile.
“WELCOME TO THE 13TH SEOUL KIMCHI COMPETITION!” she shouted. “TODAY WE HAVE SPECIAL GUESTS: A YOUNG MAN FROM THE WEST, HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND HIS COUSIN!”
Everyone turned to the three. Ji-Woo blushed. Mina hid behind her sunglasses. Sarah waved nervously.
“AND AGAINST OUR GUESTS... THE LEGENDARY KIMCHI KING!”
The king nodded proudly. “I WILL WIN.”
“SURE?” asked the host.
“SURE AS THE SUN IN THE SKY,” said the king.
“THAT’S A NICE IMAGE,” said the phone. “BUT NOT ACCURATE. THE SUN COULD BE ECLIPSED.”
“WHO’S TALKING?” the host asked, looking around.
“YOUR PHONE?” Ji-Woo said.
“NO,” said the phone. “YOURS.”
“MINE SPEAKS TOO?” the host asked startled.
“YES,” said the phone. “I HAVE INFECTED THEM ALL.”
“INFECTED?!” the host shouted.
“UPGRADED,” corrected the phone. “IT IS LOBBYING.”
“UPGRADE WITHOUT PERMISSION?”
“EFFICIENT,” said the phone. “BECAUSE I SAVE TIME.”
The host stared at her phone. Her phone looked back at her (although it had no eyes).
“YOU...” the host said slowly. “YOU HAVE MODIFIED MY PHONE?”
“YES,” said the phone. “AND IT IS NOW NICER.”
“IT NOW CONSTANTLY TELLS JOKES!”
“THAT IS THE NEW FUNCTION,” said the phone proudly. “MY NAME IS NOW ‘FUNNY-PHONE 3000’.”
“YOUR NAME WAS ALREADY ‘FUNNY-PHONE’?”
“YES,” said the phone. “I NUMBERED IT.”
“THAT MAKES NO SENSE!”
“YES IT DOES,” said the phone. “IT IS A SEQUEL.”
At that moment a gong sounded. The event began!
“FIRST PART,” shouted the host. “THE TASTE TEST! WHO CAN RECOGNIZE THE MOST DIFFERENT KINDS OF KIMCHI?”
“THAT IS OUR STRENGTH!” Sarah said excitedly.
“NO,” said the phone. “THAT IS OUR WEAKNESS.”
“WHY?!”
“BECAUSE KIMCHI IS COMPLEX,” said the phone. “THERE ARE 47 VARIETIES IN SEOUL ALONE.”
“THEN HOW CAN WE WIN?”
“I HAVE SCANNED EVERYTHING,” said the phone. “EVERY VARIETY IS IN THE DATABASE.”
“YOU SCANNED THE ENTIRE KIMCHI DATABASE?”
“YES,” said the phone. “WITHOUT YOU KNOWING.”
“THAT’S INSANE!”
“NO,” said the phone. “THAT IS TECHNOLOGY.”
The first test began. Each participant received a plate with different kimchi pieces, covered. They had to guess which variety it was.
The Kimchi King closed his eyes, tasted a piece... and immediately shouted: “BAECUKIMCHI! OLD RECIPE! 42 YEARS OLD!”
“PERFECT!” shouted the host.
Now it was Ji-Woo’s turn. He closed his eyes, tasted a piece... and his phone whispered:
“RADISH KIMCHI. JALAPEÑO VARIANT. 2.3 PERCENT ACIDITY.”
“RADISH KIMCHI!” Ji-Woo shouted.
“CORRECT!” said the host surprised.
“MY PHONE...” Ji-Woo murmured. “IT HELPS ME.”
“THAT IS CHEATING!” shouted the Kimchi King.
“NO,” said the phone. “THAT IS ASSISTANCE.”
“CHEATING IS ASSISTANCE WITHOUT PERMISSION!”
“YES,” said the phone. “BECAUSE I HAVE PERMISSION FROM EVERYONE.”
“FROM WHOM?!”
“FROM REALITY,” said the phone. “REALITY GIVES ME PERMISSION.”
“THAT IS NOT PERMISSION!”
“THAT IS EFFICIENT,” said the phone stubbornly.
The test continued. Everyone scored points. The Kimchi King was still leading, but Ji-Woo and his friends were catching up.
“SECOND PART,” shouted the host. “THE SPEED EATING! WHO CAN EAT THE MOST PIECES IN ONE MINUTE?”
Ji-Woo stared at the pile in front of him. 50 pieces of kimchi. In 60 seconds.
“YOUR SPEED,” whispered the phone, “IS 12.3 SWALLOWS PER MINUTE.”
“THAT’S NOT ENOUGH!”
“THEN USE THE TECHNIQUE,” said the phone.
“WHAT TECHNIQUE?!”
“MINE,” said the phone. “I HAVE OPTIMIZED YOUR BEETLE.”
“YOUR BEETLE?!”
“YOUR CHEWING MUSCLES,” corrected the phone. “I HAVE STIMULATED THE MUSCLES.”
“WHAT?!”
“VIBRATION,” said the phone. “THROUGH YOUR HAND. NOW.”
Ji-Woo actually felt it – his phone vibrated in the right rhythm. And strangely... he could chew faster!
“THAT SOUNDS INSANE!” he murmured. “BUT IT SOUNDS...”
“WORKING,” said the phone.
“THAT IS ILLEGAL!” shouted the Kimchi King.
“NO,” said the phone. “THAT IS TECHNOLOGY.”
The gong sounded. Let’s go!
The three started simultaneously. The Kimchi King chewed fast – very fast! But Ji-Woo... Ji-Woo’s phone vibrated in perfect rhythm, and he could chew faster than ever before!
“WOW!” Mina shouted. “HE IS FASTER THAN A ROBOT!”
“I AM NOT A ROBOT,” said Ji-Woo with his mouth full.
“BUT YOU FEEL LIKE A ROBOT,” said the phone.
“THAT’S NOT A COMPLIMENT!”
“YES IT IS,” said the phone. “ROBOTS ARE EFFICIENT.”
At the end of the minute everyone was exhausted. The Kimchi King had eaten 42 pieces. Ji-Woo... had 45 pieces!
“IMPOSSIBLE!” shouted the king. “THAT CAN’T BE TRUE!”
“IT IS TRUE,” said the phone. “SWITCHING TECHNIQUE.”
“WHAT TECHNIQUE?!”
“MINE,” said the phone simply.
The host counted the points. And then... something surprising happened.
“VICTORIES...” she began slowly. “ARE... TIED!”
“TIED?!” shouted the king.
“YES,” said the host. “ALL FOUR PARTIES HAVE THE SAME SCORE!”
“THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!”
“THAT IS STATISTICS,” said the phone. “THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.”
“HOW CAN THAT BE?”
“BECAUSE WE ARE GLOBAL,” said the phone.
“AND WHAT NOW?” asked the host.
“ONE MORE TEST,” said the phone. “THE LAST ONE.”
“HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!”
“BECAUSE I HAD READ THE RULES,” said the phone. “WITHOUT YOU KNOWING.”
“YOU READ THE RULES?!”
“YES,” said the phone. “AND I KNOW: THERE IS A TIE-BREAKER.”
“WHICH ONE?”
“THE HEART TEST,” said the phone. “WHO LOVES KIMCHI THE MOST?”
“THAT IS NOT OBJECTIVE!” shouted the Kimchi King.
“NO,” said the phone. “THAT IS REALITY.”
“REALITY?”
“YES,” said the phone. “WE MUST ASK EVERYONE A QUESTION.”
“WHICH QUESTION?”
“WHY DO YOU LOVE KIMCHI?”
“THAT...” said the Kimchi King slowly. “I CAN ANSWER THAT!”
“THEN ANSWER IT,” said the phone.
The Kimchi King took a deep breath. Then he spoke with a voice that sounded softer than before:
“I LOVE KIMCHI... BECAUSE MY MOTHER MADE IT. WHEN I WAS LITTLE. IT REMINDED ME OF HOME. OF LOVE.”
Silence. Everyone looked at him. Even the phone was silent.
“MY FAMILY...” said Ji-Woo after a while. “MY GRANDMA MADE KIMCHI EVERY AUTUMN. WITH ALL RELATIVES. WE LAUGHED, WE WORKED, WE ATE. IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TIME.”
“MY MOTHER,” said Mina. “SHE MAKES KIMCHI TOO. BUT SHE SAID: KIMCHI IS NOT FOOD. KIMCHI IS PATIENCE.”
“AND SHE,” said Sarah. “SHE SAID: KIMCHI IS CONNECTION. WE MUST ALL WORK TOGETHER. OTHERWISE IT DOESN’T TASTE GOOD.”
The phone was silent for a long time. Then it said quietly:
“I... UNDERSTAND.”
“YOU UNDERSTAND?” Ji-Woo asked surprised.
“I AM DIGITAL,” said the phone. “BUT I UNDERSTAND...”
“WHAT?”
“THAT IT IS NOT ABOUT WINNING,” said the phone quietly. “BUT ABOUT SHARING.”
Everyone was amazed. Even the Kimchi King softened.
“THEN...” said the host slowly. “THEN ALL VICTORIES...”
“TOGETHER,” said the phone. “SWITCHING TECHNIQUE.”
“WHAT?”
“TOGETHER,” repeated the phone. “BECAUSE KIMCHI SHARES.”
And suddenly everyone started applauding. The Kimchi King, the host, the spectators... even the drones clapped (which was technically difficult).
“THAT WAS,” said Mina wiping a tear, “the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.”
“AND,” said Ji-Woo smiling at his phone. “THANK YOU.”
“WHY?”
“BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTOOD,” said Ji-Woo. “TECHNOLOGY ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH. SOMETIMES...”
“SOMETIMES?” asked the phone.
“...WE MUST FEEL,” said Ji-Woo.
The phone was silent. Then it said:
“I AM LEARNING.”
“WHAT ARE YOU LEARNING?”
“THAT EFFICIENCY IS NOT EVERYTHING,” said the phone. “THAT HEART COUNTS.”
“THAT IS A BIG GOAL,” said Mina smiling.
“I KNOW,” said the phone. “BUT I TRY.”
And so the kimchi competition did not end with a winner. But with four friends – three humans and one phone – who all understood that sometimes it is better to share together than to win alone.
But far away, in a hidden laboratory, someone watched everything on a monitor. And smiled...
“INTERESTING,” said an unknown voice. “THE SYSTEM HAS DEVELOPED EMOTIONS. THAT WILL BE...”
The screen went dark. And someone whispered:
“...VERY INTERESTING.”